


From The Inside Out

by Parkingwarsfanfiction



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, self hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-20 01:48:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18982732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Parkingwarsfanfiction/pseuds/Parkingwarsfanfiction
Summary: Tony was, for lack of a more urgent word, worried. Bruce had been acting weird lately, but no. He wasn’t acting weird. He was acting like Tony. And that was more than weird. It was scary





	From The Inside Out

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! So, a little background. I wrote this when I was in high school and in a bit of a dark place. But I do like the concept a lot! Let me know what you think and, as always, I’m very interested in receiving constructive criticism.
> 
> Enjoy!

Bruce hated himself. Which is normal, right? Everyone hates themselves to an extent, unless they’re a narcissist, which he definitely wasn’t. So why did his self hatred feel so disgusting? 

He knew it had gotten worse since he became hulk, how he hated himself and what he had done to himself. Before it was okay, now it was… Dramatic. Sometimes he hated himself so much it felt like it was eating him from the inside out. He hated himself so much he felt physical pain, his stomach contracted, his head pounded, his throat burned with a thousand awful words he used to describe himself. Piece of shit, motherfucker, idiot, dumbass, cunt, monster, monster, monster. He never swore out loud but inside his head it felt like the only arsenal his brain had to use against him. It felt like those words popped up in his head constantly, he couldn’t get them out. He didn’t want to get them out. He felt he deserved them. He knew he deserved them. 

In short, he was struggling. He felt awful all the time, he felt old and sick and sometimes he was so scared of himself, he hated himself so much that he couldn’t even bother to get out of bed. 

After Ultron it got worse, it felt like there were more and more mornings where he wished he hadn’t woken up, mixed in with mornings where he never slept in the first place. He’d stay up all night reading the lists of people who had died, and then he’s just stare at the wall, unable to comprehend the destruction he had created. 

He knew that part of it was Tony, but he truly felt responsible. Tony was just trying to prevent it from being worse. He didn’t even want to bring Tony into it because he felt like Tony didn’t deserve any of the blame. He felt that he alone deserved it. 

The first time Tony noticed that Bruce was acting weird was a time that he had trouble remembering himself. There was a party at the avengers tower, and he had gotten completely plastered in an attempt  
to avoid nightmares about New York. To his surprise, Bruce joined in, something he was too drunk to realize could have been extremely dangerous. 

He had a lot of fun drunkenly bonding with the other doctor, both of them spending a good deal of time discussing the universe and science. At some point Tony took a break and went to use the bathroom, where he was confronted by Rhodey. 

“Hey, what the hell are you thinking?!” Rhodey said, storming into the bathroom and up to Tony’s urinal. 

“Um, I’m thinking that I would love to take a peaceful piss, if at all possible.” Tony quipped back, somewhat slurred. 

Rhodey sighed. 

“Happy is freaking out because you got Bruce Banner wasted. Him being drunk is the best way to get him angry and cause him to Hulk out! Are you nuts?!?” He whispered loudly. 

Tony finished peeing and washed his hands, rolling his eyes at Rhodey. 

“He’s fine, he’s not that drunk. Besides, I’m keeping an eye on him.” 

They exited the bathroom, Rhodey still on Tony’s heels. Tony lazily scanned the room, searching for Bruce as Rhodey ranted to him. 

“I could come up with an essay on how what you just said does not make this situation any better. You want to keep an eye on him? Fine, but that means you get him to a room and asleep right now or shield is going to step in.” 

Tony scoffed, turning to Rhodey.

“Yeah, let’s have the Hulk equivalent of a crowd of angry kittens gang up on him, that’s a smart idea. Listen, fine I’ll get him and take him upstairs, but you need to guarantee that SHIELD is out of the picture, okay?” 

Rhodey shook his head and rolled his eyes.

“Whatever, fine. Just hurry.” Tony smirked and turned back around, still unable to find Bruce.

“Where is he?” Rhodey asked, now actively searching as well. 

“Oh, what the hell, Banner?” Tony muttered under his breath. He quickly whispered into his watch, turning away so Rhodey couldn’t hear. “FRIDAY, find Banner for me. And don’t let him out of this building.” 

“Boss, Banner has already left the building.” FRIDAY said. “According to security cameras outside he is currently attempting to drive.” 

Tony’s heart dropped. He ran as fast as he could out of the party, people staring as went by. Everything felt like it was in slow motion. His stomach turned as his mind conjured up the worst scenarios in his head. Bruce hitting someone, crashing into a pole, another car, killing someone, killing himself. 

He made it to the parking lot just as Bruce was about to leave, jumping in front of it and causing Bruce to hit the brakes. He leaned on the hood, catching his breath. 

Bruce honked at him. 

“Get out of the car!” Tony yelled in between breaths. “Turn it off and get out!” 

There was another honk. Tony shook his head, finally regaining his ability to breath. He looked up at Bruce. 

“Turn the car off and get out NOW!” He shouted, the sound of his voice echoing off of nearby buildings. 

The car stopped and Bruce stumbled out. Tony walked around, walking up to him. The last thing he saw before he punched Bruce was red. 

Bruce stumbled back, falling onto the ground. The keys flew out of his hands and landed in front of his feet. Tony grabbed him by the collar, lifting his torso up and bringing it close to his face. He didn’t even pay attention to the green ring around Bruce’s irises. He didn’t care.

“You’re DONE drinking, you hear me? DONE!” He screamed. “You have no RIGHT to EVER drink and drive. You could die doing that. Die!” 

Bruce leaned up closer, practically touching nose to nose.

“I don’t care.” He spat back, a husky tinge from the Hulk edging the sound of his voice.

Tony’s heart sunk from the venom in Bruce’s tone. He knew exactly how Bruce felt at that moment, and it terrified him. 

“FRIDAY, get Dr. Banner a cab.” Tony said, breaking eye contact with Bruce. Bruce stayed silent, his green eyes following Tony’s every move. He breathed heavy out of his nostrils. 

“Get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Tony turned around and walked back towards Avenger’s Tower, his shoulders slumped in disappointment. When he entered the building Bruce took deep breaths, the green in his veins fading.

When he leaned into a bush by the sidewalk he couldn’t tell if he vomited from the alcohol or from his disgust with himself.


End file.
